I’m not talking about becoming famous and then going back to your shitty little town for a celebration all about you and handing out rolls of cash.
Literally don’t forget where you come from.
When you forget where you come from, you forget a part of yourself; and who you were is always relevant to who you have become.
I’ve forgotten a lot of myself over the years. I chose to join the Navy and leave home to see more of the world, and because of that decision I’ve been gone for about four years now.
Lately I’ve been finding out certain parts of myself got lost along the way.
It’s little things; like I completely forgot that I really enjoy frozen peas. Then one day I bought frozen peas on a random impulse, and as soon as I tasted them it was a complete shell-shocked reminder of “Oh yeah! That’s right! I like these!” I was amazed at how I could forget something that had been a part of be for so long that I love, even as trivial as peas.
I’ve noticed it transcends to more important aspects of personality as well.
I was talking to one of my longest standing friends, whom I’ve known since I was 10. Even though we haven’t seen each other in years he could still pick up that I wasn’t exactly in the best of moods and didn’t want to talk. He thought I was mad at him. A little the case, but not entirely. My short answers were more because I’ve had so much to deal with lately that any small talk I’ve tried to shrug off and focus on the more important things.
First thing he would think is, obviously, that I would be stressed about being pregnant. Which actually isn’t the case. David and I planned having this child and that I’m more than okay with. It’s been every other shit storm piled upon one another that’s been causing me to want to tear my hair out.
So I replied with “It’s not the pregnancy, just lots of people trying to screw me over.”
“Who would have big enough balls to do that?”
Which got me thinking about how I’ve been thinking everything in my life lately. I was a little taken aback. I guess lately I’ve taken a lot of self-pity on myself.
How would the old me have handled these situations?
I wouldn’t even be in these situations. Hell no would you be screwing me over. Because I would fight, and scrounge and be as scrappy as possible to get my way.
Granted, a lot of it has to do with having PTSD and depression, and losing that fighting spirit; but little quotes like that make me smile because they remind me of who I really am.
It’s sad when you see yourself fall from grace. Which no one understood when I would explain my depression. When whatever therapist would ask me what I wanted out of the sessions, I always had one thing in mind;
I want to get my motivation back.
For me, at least the old me, motivation wasn’t just dragging my feet out of bed every day. It was dragging my feet up the asshole of someone who was trying to do me wrong. It was empowerment. It was pure strength. It was individuality and independence.
Sometimes it feels like I’m in this self pity party that I can’t stop throwing for myself.
I used to be all about tough love, and criticism. It’s been hard for me to adjust to my more sensitive ways now.
Which is also why it took so long for me to accept that needing help is okay. I dealt with undiagnosed PTSD for 2 years because I was too stubborn to go get help, convinced that I didn’t need any. For two whole years I sat and suffered, while not even realizing I was suffering.
I just thought that I lost my edge. That I became weak. That I was worthless and everything was my fault. That I was causing myself to have these bad feelings; and if I just sucked it up I would snap out of it and go back to being okay.
Everyone around me was calling me weak. I chose to believe them.
That’s why I wanted to start this blog to help people out.
Because there’s a lot of people out there, and I want to shake them and say
YOU’RE NOT WEAK.
You are stronger than most because you have so much to deal with and you’re dealing with it.
Not everyone has those voices in their heads telling them that they’re worthless; and most people have the energy to go out and have normally daily interactions.
But if you’re depressed and can’t get out of bed one day, but the next you can go grab some food? Girl, that’s a normal person’s marathon! Celebrate yourself! Take yourself out for that, or stay in and watch your favorite movie, depending on how you feel that day.
Be proud of yourself for what you CAN do, besides just focusing on what you aren’t able to do at the moment.
This does sound harder than it is, so I’ll give you a challenge.
Take out your phone. Yes you, yes right now.
Write today’s date.
Write one positive thing about you. (This could be ANYTHING. If you couldn’t get out of bed today, write ‘I’m really good at lying in bed for a few hours without moving’. Literally WHATEVER you did today turn it into a compliment! And if you can’t think of one, comment and I’ll give you one!)
Now repeat this every night before you go to bed.
When you’re feeling particularly down and hating on yourself, here’s the real important part, take your phone out and read this list. I know, it kind of sounds cliche, and at first I had a huge attitude about it too.
But it works. Because it snaps your brain out of that “I hate my cycle”.
Don’t trust your brain. Because sometimes your brain gets confused and starts lying to you. Trust in yourself and trust in this list.
Hope this helped some of you out, even though I ended up rambling about something completely different! Again, if you need any help please just comment, and if needed I’ll give you my personal email.
I love you all.